Before the mouse, this was a swamp...

A cab driver here on our first day put it best ďż˝" “Before the mouse came, there weren’t nuthin’ here but a swamp and no one wanted to come here.  Now ev’rybody wanna be here!”.  So, if you’re not familiar with Orlando, most of it was once swampland.  In the 70s Walt Disney bought (secretly) thousands of acres of land which he developed into Walt Disney world.  Since then, the entire region has become theme park central.  There are about 20 theme parks here, and there are more opening every year.  As a result, a huge support industry has grown up around it, making it kind of like Vegas for kids.  It’s all fast food and neon and shopping.  And time share.  We discovered this by agreeing to go to a “marketing seminar” with the promise of cheap Disney tickets.

6 July: Tash eats Mickey

  It was an interesting experience being given the hard sell, but in the end we decided not to buy a $30000 dollar condo on time share here...   The main reason being that it is a great place, if you like sun, hot weather and theme parks with lots of kids.  Not really my cup of tea.  However it was quite nice being given a free breakfast and seeing the 5 star rooms.  They did come good on the Disney tickets, and the sausages helped us survive 10 hours at MGM studios!   

Bu t before I talk about that I should mention getting to Orlando.  We almost didn’t.  This was because due to some rather confusing airport naming, our itinerary didn’t actually say which airport in Washington DC we were supposed to leave from.

  So we went to the wrong one.  And were are forever in debt to Sunil (Tash’s cousin) who managed to get us across town in time to catch our flight.  We ended up getting here in time to catch the best thing in Orlando ďż˝" Cirque du Soleil’s La Nouba.  It was great, but a bit odd to be in an audience full of Americans who didn’t quite know when they were supposed to clap.

Actually, most of the population here at the moment are not American but Scottish.  We have therefore been asked if we know about the wee bus timetable, how long the wee line for the ride is, and something about ach the noo.  We seem to have come here during the Scottish and Brazilian school holidays.  And American school holidays.

  So it’s pretty crowded.  

So, we spent the first day at Disney MGM studios.  The highlights were listening to a Disney bus driver describing how one of his 3^rd cousins is a senator but he’d rather drive a bus for Disney, undergoing Jedi training, seeing the Indiana Jones stunt show complete with giant foam boulder, and getting to see movie relics such as the submarine from The Life Aquatic and a snow speeder from the Empire Strikes Back).  “Sunny” Florida welcomed us with a long and impressive thunderstorm and torrential rain, forcing Marcus to buy a Mickey Mouse poncho...  Tash was a typical Tasmanian and had packed her Gore Tex despite the clear blue skies and 30+ degrees!  We should mention that since then, we both take our rain coats everywhere, including to the water park we visited!  

The second day was at Epcot centre.

  The world of tomorrow ďż˝" today.  Well, more like the world of today ďż˝" yesterday.  Riding through a giant golf ball hearing about how great modern communication is and will be (once this whole internet thing takes off!) was entertaining, and more than a little ironic.  Not as ironic of course as the 15 minute show starring the Lion King characters with the message that we are all part of the circle of life and therefore shouldn’t destroy the environment, build dams, waste power and water and that we should recycle trash.  This from a company that drained a swamp to build the parks, in a town that permanently is lit up like a hundred Christmas trees, and where everything is disposable.  So folks, it highlights the important message ďż˝" look after the environment (as long as you continue to make money from impressionable kids).   We should point out that we walked straight from that show into a gift shop, where they tried to sell us plastic crap.  Very environmentally aware.  But maybe better than nothing...

 

The third day we went to blizzard beach, the cleverly named water park that has no snow and is miles away from the beach.  What it does have is Mount Gushmore (Mount Splashmore anyone?).  Anyway, after a few hours of sun and waterslides, we ate some donuts and left again.  To wait for the bus.  And wait.  And wait.  Incidentally, this town has the worst public transport of anywhere I’ve ever been.  It’s like the buses function on some kind of alternate time line.

  Some kid thought I was the singer from Fall Out Boy.  I guess that’s an improvement from John Denver, who is the last musician I was told I look like...   

 

Day four was the Magic Kingdom.  Here we were told on a number of occasions (at least 100) that if we wish, our dreams will come true.  It didn’t work for me ďż˝" I was wishing that there weren’t thousands of people there and that the temperature wasn’t 40 degrees C.  But, it was fun.  Tash even went on Space Mountain, which apparently made her cry last time she was here...  Mind you she was 5.  Fourteen hours at a theme park is enough for anyone though, and we were Disneyed out by the end of it.

  I got to fulfil one dream however, by being picked out of the audience in the Monsters Inc Laugh Floor show.  Not exactly a starring role, but I’m sure my talent will be recognised and next time I’ll be promoted to disco bus driver (like the guy who drove us back at the end of the day playing Stayin’ Alive and flicking the bus lights on and off). 

Day five was reserved for shopping and generally getting organised.  However, we are writing this from inside a lift at the hotel which has stopped.  Luckily there are no Americans in here with us and that we have our computers.  Unfortunately it is quite hot and the air is running out ďż˝" ARRGH!!!  I mean ďż˝" aargh (must conserve air...).  The good news is the phone worked.

  I suspect the problem is that the certification of operation is signed by Jeb Bush.  Given his tendency to sign things that perhaps he shouldn’t (e.g. laws that assist his brother to become president), that may explain things.  No, wait!  The lift just moved slightly and then stopped again.  Looks like we’re stuck here! 

OK, well we eventually got out of the lift and we're writing this a few days later.  After that escapade we did some shopping, but really, too damn hot for anything too strenuous, so we went to see Ratatouille.  Then followed it up on our last day by going to see Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix in 3D IMAX.  After all, we are just big kids.  Getting out of Orlando was a challenge.  After getting to the airport 2 hours early, we were stuck in a line which almost made us miss our flight, then got "selected" to be specially screened by security (no latex gloves, but having to unpack our bags was a bit of a pain).

  Fortunately the flight didn't take off until an hour later than scheduled, meaning that we were doomed to miss our connection to London.  Even more fortunately, the plane we were connecting with had broken down, so that flight was delayed as well.  So we got out of America, eventually.  But I'd like to send a big cheerio to all the rude, lazy and incompetent people who managed to make this flight the least organised and most unpleasant travelling experience I've ever had.  And if you're interested, the airline is US Airways, and you should avoid them if possible based on my experience.  While I'm telling you people to avoid, don't stay at the Quality Inn International Drive in Orlando either, unless you want a cheap room and are happy if the TV, Washing Machine and elevators don't work.  I don't mean to suggest that it's all bad, just that I was surprised at how indifferent most of the staff were in terms of customer service.

So, the things you should know if you are coming here and want to do things cheaply ďż˝" it’s challenging.  The public transport is terrible.  The bus drivers are generally good but occasionally mad (apart from the disco bus, we had one the other day who spent the whole trip lecturing some of the other passengers about the Disney CEO’s salary being too high and how “Walt wouldn’t like it”).  Everyone is getting a kickback from everyone else, so it’s quite hard to get an ordinary cab for example.  Things rarely run on time, and the number of crappy chain restaurants beggars belief.  There are lines for everything (including, it seems, elevator repair).  And finding even slightly healthy food is not easy.

  I hate to say this, but I really don’t need any more donuts or ice cream right now... 

In short, the Disney part of Orlando is full of cheesiness, sunshine and mosquitoes.  Lots of the people here are not actually from here but have come either to see the Mouse or work for the Mouse (or in some cases to be the Mouse).  It’s been interesting, but I don’t think I’ll be back for a while.