Deco Hostel - South Beach

Miami Travel Blog

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I had grown a bit bored of my own company so I checked into Deco Hostel on South Beach. The hostel was beautiful, with huge comfy beds and a $6-for-three-beers happy hour. Awe-some.

I met some good people and spent my days on the beach (with shorts on) and had some good nights out in the nearby Irish bars and at Nikki Beach club.

The oddest experience was when I popped out of the hostel bar at 3 a.m. to get some cigarettes (yep, the quitting plan isn’t going too well). I had to walk three blocks down Ocean Drive to get to the 24 hour shop. During the day it’s a bit of an annoying walk, with people constantly shoving leaflets in your face and shouting about their restaurant deals. It’s worse on a night. Oh yes.

Pretty much five seconds out of the door two huge black women blocked my path and then started grinding their asses against me.

Whilst gently enjoyable it slowed me down for a good five minutes as I had to explain why I didn’t want my dick sucked on the beach for $50.

After that I got quite adept at sidestepping anyone who looked too spandexy a good few metres before I reached their grinding zone. As I rounded the corner a little fat bald guy on a scooter pulled up next to me. This guy was camper than Julian Clary roller-blading through a boy-scout jamboree.

Campy McMoped: “Hey - where’s the party at!?”

Me: “Let’s think… there’s Nikki Beach down that way that’s pretty good.”

Campy McMoped: ”Sounds cool. Let’s go!”

Me: “What?”

Campy McMoped: “Jump on - we’ll go and party!!”

Me: [Deadpan] “Sounds awesome, but I’ll have to pass as you don’t have a spare helmet”

Campy McMoped: “It’s Miami - you don’t need a helmet by law!”

Me: “But my head would still hurt if I fell off.

How'd you like dem apples?
” [Exit stage left]

Straight after this a taxi pulled over and a concerned looking woman peered out. She asked if I was okay and if that guy had been hassling me; she further explained that he probably wanted to bum me silly, which to be fair I had already picked up on. I said that I would get over the trauma and thought it was quite nice that she had taken the time to look out for me. She responded that for $200 we could go to her apartment across the street and “get freaky with it”.

Not words that I have ever needed to utter before, but it got to the stage where I wanted to shout “For fuck’s sake, can everyone please stop trying to have sex with me!”

Overall Miami is not really my type of place. Whilst most cities sell T-shirts along the lines of ‘I love New York’, Miami has ‘I‘M IN MIAMI, BITCH!!’, which does a good job of summarizing the general attitude of the city.

That said, I met some good people, got enough of a tan that I’m considering changing my name to Gordon (Brown) and swam a lot.

Plus my new range of ‘HEY FUCKO, I’M IN LONDON, HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW, YOU C**T?!’ T-shirts inspired by Miami are flying off the shelves. They’re selling even faster than the time I made those hot cakes.

Next Stop Panama.





Stigen says:
hahahah , absolutely brilliant ! So many prostitutes ! At least makes for a great story !
Posted on: Aug 03, 2011
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Howd you like dem apples?
How'd you like dem apples?
photo by: ellieperla