Kev, Ed, Juan, Alan, some girl and Me in early ahead of a match at the FIFA viewing tent.
Hola too much - I trust we you are well. Firstly can I apologise for the length of time between this entry and the previous one - I can assure you that Brazilian island hopping is tough work and unfortunately it required total dedication and commitment on my part. However, I am back and am sure you have missed Kev so lets pick up from where we left off.
Annoyingly we chose to go and watch the England v Algeria match at the FIFA viewing area on Copacabana, although as dire as it was, the trip was made more bearable by an almost facility wide game of bury each other´s flip flops under the sand - unfortunately there is always one who takes it too far and before long my drinks were disappearing under the sand as well. This tomfoolery was momentarily broken by a young man who had appeared to walk all the way from Algeria for the game performing what appeared to be an african mating ritual on national brazilian TV.
Paul, Ruth, Alice, Liat, Rebecca and Jessica (girls from Hong Kong).
Having been permanently scarred by thease events we cruised back to the hostel, but only after Alan had ensured Mike wouldn´t be talking to any natives by wandering around shouting ´WHERE ARE YOUR MATES´ in the face of any girl Mike sat down with.
Back at the hostel we invited ourselves into a game of Ring of Fire with some ladies from Hong Kong. Short of drinks we bowled downstairs to stick 6 beers on Eddie´s tab, however we didn´t realise he was at the bar, and after s***ing us up with his angry man look, we stuck them on Alan´s instead. Ring of Fire quickly descended into Kev becoming a performing monkey as the Hong Kong contingent lapped up Kev´s Vicky Pollard, Marjorie and Terry Tibbs impressions. Regretably ´I have never´ made an appearance and after far too many intimiate confessions had been made, Liat (Sexy Spice, apparently) recommended against sex in a swimming pool because apparently it ´fills you up´.
Sarah (Mike's cousin), Paul and Rita (The Californian).
Not really knowing what to make of this, we headed towards Rio´s party capital, Lapa.
We hopped on the bus where ´Magpie´ began to destroy all potential relationships. For those of you not up to speed, Magpie essentially revolves around pinching a girl from somebody after they have done all the groundwork / laid appropriate foundations. We got to Lapa and after losing Kev we were immediately confronted by a lady bearing more than a passing resemblance to Rikishi offering some of your finest Bolivian. After negotiating Muscle Mary we found an air hangar of a nightclub and set about having a good time, which was being had by all until Alan decided now would be an appropriate time to get to know Mike´s cousin a little better.
And so it begun...
Mike wasn´t particularly enamoured by this and took Alan outside for a quick headbutt and punch - which doesn´t sound like much, however reports indicated that these two cleared the pavement, which in Rio is something of an achievement. Whilst this was going on Eddie was being taught to dance by a New Mexican ladyfriend and I was discussing the merits of being English with a Californian. After we heard the bell for round 11 between Alan and Mike, we thought we better head outside and intervene. As the dust was settling, I went to a portaloo and was midway through when I was rudely interrupted by a Brazilian man who didn´t speak much english. Whilst trying to explain that this toilet was in fact occupied, I was punched in the face and had all my money stolen, even more ridiculous was that the thieving b****** had stolen my chewing gum as well - I´ve never been told by any female that garlic and beer breath is an intoxicating combination so I was furious.
Alan, Kev and Sarah. (All 3 members of the love triangle)
With Mike unable to breathe through laughing so hard, the rest of the group tended to my nose whilst I explained that I had been jumped by 10 guys and had managed to fight 9 of them off before succumbing.
After Mike had dive-bombed head first out of the top bunk and got into someone elses bed during his nights sleep, the next morning we went to grab some food. With Kev talking about his lover, over lunch we pondered how many people Alan had slept with, as he was adamant it was three figures. With reference to girls, Eddie offered a different perspective, suggesting that ´20 odd cocks isn´t really much, although if you were to stack them up on top of each other, that is a lot - its like two football teams´.
Our last night in Rio
A little disturbed, we went to the beach and met up with the Hong Kong girls, whilst playing ´Bury Kev´. That night it was Ruth´s birthday and after me and Kev had briefly left the group to go and meet our tour group taking us from Rio to La Paz, we went to an Irish bar called Shenanigans. The usual carnage ensued and this time it was Kev´s turn for a quick ´how´s your father´ with Mike´s cousin which for reasons unknown and much to Alan´s annoyance, seemed perfectly fine with Mike. Whilst this was going on I had bumped into the aforementioned Californian and in what will come as a pleasant surprise to all, was having a mature conversation. My scheming friends couldn´t help themselves however, and as the night progressed they did their best to ensure that this conversation didn´t continune.
Liat looking distinctly unimpressed at something...
It is well documented that I despise ´Caipirinha´ and so in a faultess display of comedy, they decided to take my card and continue buying rounds of Caipirinha knowing full well I wouldn´t touch them, and that the lady I was with was more than partial. The educated amongst you will put two and two together and already know the outcome so I shall spare writing it, but yes the girl had to be rushed to the toilet, yes Ally ended up with no beer and yes Kev, Alan and Mike were falling over themselves laughing.
Those were our last couple of nights in Rio, and upon reflection I have decided that I will definitely live in this city at one point or another. If you will excuse the limited vocabulary (I am tired and lacking intellect after consecutive nights of drinking) the place is immense.
What Liat was unimpressed with. Kev utilising the age-old saying, if at first you don't succeed, put a pillow over her face.
Wonders of the world, beautiful beaches and beautiful people - enough said. Get over here.
X O X O