Euro Trip Part 6: Austria

Austria Travel Blog

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Del calls out the Shaolin Monks for a duel...

18th July 2007

Vienna, Austria (euro trip part 6)

Current mood: Drunk

Category: Travel and Places

 

We had arrived in the other land that speaks German and home of Arnold Schwarzenegger, that is if he still lived there and wasn't over in California executing people.

One of these is a stupid and annoying superhero. The other is Spiderman...
We'd caught the overnight bus from Krakow and were due to arrive at 5:30 in the morning but came storming into the station 2 hours ahead of schedule at 3:30am. What with me being from London where all London buses and underground tubes are usually several days late this kind of efficiency was unnatural to me and a bit of a shock if I'm honest. I really needed to sit down, which I did, and figured why sit when I can lay, which I did, and it wasn't long before Mands and I had fallen asleep on the station floor along with a group of other travellers who found themselves in the same boat ��" middle of the morning in Vienna with fuck all to do.
Whacky upcoming artist is told his statue is taking the piss...
There I was laying on a dirty station floor for a good couple of hours dreaming of lesbian action when I receive a kick on my foot from the station security guards telling me to wake my ass up. I though this sort of thing only happened to the homeless bums in movies. Mind you, at that point in the morning I probably was a scruffy site. Waking up and using all my mental power to rid my morning glory, I headed to the khazi to get changed as at that point I was going commando as clean clothes in my backpack were scarce, when the toilet lady attendant only wants to go and charge me 52 cents. I didn't even want to use the khazi, I just didn't fancy getting caught with my pants down in public and spending my one only day in Vienna explaining to police why I was running around with my diamond cutter flapping about. Smarting, I paid the 52 cents and whilst sitting on the pan I tried guys, I really tried to get my moneys worth but the best I could produce was a trickle form the lizard...

 

First and most important stop in Vienna was to find a bakery to pick up a loaf of bread for our near melted slices of cheese.

Del was clearly impressed by Vienna's monuments...
Imagine our horror when after asking the assistants to slice our bread they tell us they have no bread slicing machine. A bakery with no bread slicing machine? The big wigs at Wenzel's would drop dead at such blasphemy. Anyroad, we grabbed a knife and began hacking away unevenly at this loaf much to the staff’s amusement and ended up with bread that looked like it had been run over by a car, but sliced nevertheless. In Vienna it was on my list of objectives to go visit their roman ruins in town, so you can imagine how upset I was after walking 15 minutes only to find that the ruins were hidden from the public behind a big screen whilst it was being renovated. For fucks sake it's meant to be ruined, if you repair the thing then it no longer remains as ruins does it? And what's more, the screen the authorities have hidden the ruins with has only got a picture painted on it of what the ruins supposedly looks like. Thanks for that. In other words it's the same as going to see the Mona Lisa only to be told that the painting is being refurbished but hey don't worry about it, you can look at this poster of her instead. It defeats the whole point of going to see it in the first place, if I wanted to see a picture of the ruins I'd log onto the internet and save myself a load of travel hassle. Afterwards we continued to walk around Vienna although there wasn't much to do except shop, which sucked cos we were so poor we couldn't afford to even window shop. So we bought beer instead and spent our time juggling ourselves between Aussie and Irish bars, naturally, and it was in a pub called The Shabeen that I ate the greatest chilli burger I've eaten in my life, and I've eaten a few in my time let me tell you. This monster of a burger fried my mouth after the first bite and was so hot I'd sweated out half my body weight by the time I'd finished the thing ��" which was about an hour later. I even had an audience in the next table who bought me a drink afterwards as they felt sympathy towards my suffering. From there we carried on with our pub crawl into the night and guess what - No bicycles! Not us mate, no no no, we'd upgraded and were now cocky enough to use the public trams without paying a penny for Vienna's troubles. Oh it was like reliving my youth I tell you.

 

First thing in the morning and we found ourselves tired and hung over and back at Vienna's central station awaiting our ride to Slovakia when in suddenly occurred to me I could get my revenge on the toilet lady attendant who screwed me out of 52 cents only 24 hours earlier. After all, I had a chilli burger to get rid of. With an evil grin on my face I duly paid another 52 cents and by the time I'd finished dropping the kids and the pool 1 euros and 4 cents seemed like an absolute bargain, ha ha. The toilet lady attendant will be putting her prices up after my effort; she's probably still there now scrubbing away working some serious overtime. All this toilet talk reminds me of another khazi we seen in Vienna in one of the subways. It was called the Opera Toilet and it blasted out all the music like a 80's ghetto kid riding a BMX with a stereo tied to the back, only it was playing classical music. You could say it sounded like Mosefart and Butthoven. Oh man that pun was bad…but enough already, all this khazi talk is making me need to go. And go I did, to Slovakia that is…

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