England: London

London Travel Blog

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The original 5th and 6th members of The Beatles

21 October 2006

London, England
Current mood: Mischievous

Category: Travel and Places

Have you ever wondered how little you know about your own hometown, unless you live in a real shit area as it is and couldn’t give a rats arse.

Hilton Hotels denied a drop in standards of rooms and clientel
I live in London and was thinking of all the tourists who visit London, especially the Japanese who come over here with their chunky Nikon camera hanging round their neck waiting to be snatched by a London scally, and think to myself they’ve seen so much more than me. And all from the top of a big red bus too. So I decided to pack my bag and go travelling with my new hostage Nina…. to London. I had just bought an internal flight from Luton to Heathrow Airport when Nina pointed out Central London was a 20 minute train journey from my local station. Don’t you just hate a clever clogs?
And off we set. First stop was St Johns Wood to walk over the crossing at
Abbey Road made famous by The Beatles.
The new Greenwich Tunnel security guard was considered to be a little unconventional...
Plodding along we caught sight of the crossing from a distance and was getting all excited at the prospect of visiting a great piece of British music history. We arrive onto
Abbey Road and fuck me, there’s only two other crossings staring back at me. Nothing can ever be simple in my bloody life can it, not even a stupid road crossing. A quick scout on the internet soon solved that little problem and soon we were taking daft photos along with a load of other tourists who’s travelled from Australia, Germany, loads of other European countries ��" and then us from all 10 miles away.

With the motorists now fully annoyed at our antics we then began to make our way to Highgate Cemetery to mock some gravestones and wake up the stiffs.

Polo's new experimental mints were considered to be a bit on the strong side...
Greeted at the gates by a couple of really really old women who looked like they belonged in the graves themselves, they only went and charged us £2 to get in. I was going to ask them to show us the gravestone they crawled out from under but thought better of it. Being barred from pubs I can take, but I’d never get my head around being barred from a graveyard. With our money taken from us we decided it was the green light to go round and abuse as many gravestones as we could ��" much to people’s disgust I might add. I didn’t see what the problem was, if I was a stiff I’d love all the attention I’d be getting. You’ve all seen MTV’s Pimp My Ride? Well welcome to Pimp My Gravestone. We gave statues such a wonderful makeover using a cap, silver chain, MP3 player complete with headphones, cigarettes, mobile phone, the absolute lot. We’d taken a 19th century gravestone statue and brought the bastard right into the 21st century. It wouldn’t look out of place loitering around with a gang of chavs outside a local McDonalds on a Friday night.
Bucking Palace was the next stop. The whole idea was to aim to piss of the queen’s guards and try to get them to lose their temper with us ��" and catch it all on video to post up on here. And so we work our way through the tourists but see no stupid guards dressed in red with a baby grizzly sitting on their head. No guards whatsoever. Which brought me to question what the fuck had all the tourists come to see if not to see the guards? Surely they didn’t travel all this way to see our slag of a queen living of my taxes, but apparently they did. Shame they couldn’t take her and the bastard royal family with them when they go back home.
So the palace was a complete waste of time, but we still had the Greenwich Tunnel to visit and re-make the Prodigy’s Firestarter video. This is a gloomy tunnel that runs underneath the Thames and was the perfect setting for the video. After whacking on a bit of makeup, not my own I might add, starry earrings, half a tub of hair wax, red and white stripy top and a black bin liner with stars glued to it. Listen, it’s early days and money is tight so we need to budget. So after having what looked like a makeover from Boy George I was ready to rock and rock and look a complete idiot while I did it. We’re inside the tunnel then, about halfway down when all these poor bastard kids come running down the tunnel screaming their bloody heads off to listen to their echo. They run up towards me at which point I turn around to face them and after taking a look at me, shriek at the top of their voices and start legging it back to their parents, leaving a long brown trail behind them. Poor smelly buggers.
Video made, photo’s taken, lots of London I’ve never been arsed to see before, a new photo album to rival the Japanese fellows I mentioned earlier and the best bit of all, getting up to any antics as I please without fear of deportation.
And before I leave you, you might have notice my language has become a tad more abusive in recent weeks. This is cos since I left my last job I need not stay in the habit of keeping my language clean. So to all of you I say, fuck you and goodnight.

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The original 5th and 6th members o…
The original 5th and 6th members …
Hilton Hotels denied a drop in sta…
Hilton Hotels denied a drop in st…
The new Greenwich Tunnel security …
The new Greenwich Tunnel security…
Polos new experimental mints were…
Polo's new experimental mints wer…
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photo by: ulysses