Scoobie Doo had created a back log of bones to bury
12th December 2006
Prague, Czech Republic
Current Mood: Exhausted
Category: Travel and Places
Just like all those people in the TV series Lost, I crash landed in a Plane in the remote city of Prague with no communication with the outside world.
Except the plane made a perfect landing, the city was far from remote and the internet was easily accessible. You know now that I think of it, it was nothing like Lost. But anyroad, flying on the absolute cheapest ticket I could buy, you know, the one up from when they transport farm animals in cages, I decided at Heathrow to try and blag a free upgrade to business class at the desk. This is a trick I recommend to anyone. If you look presentable (which I didn't) and important (which I'm certainly not) and you're really nice to the women behind the desk, they may just give you a free upgrade if there's plenty of seats available. So I stroll up, chest high shoulders back trying to look elegant whilst important ��" you know the crack, and asked them about the possibility of an upgrade using my most polite 'yes mam, no mam, you look lovely today mam and blah blah blah'. Well they say politeness costs nothing. What a load of bollocks. I can category state that in this instance politeness costs precisely 150 pounds. I snatched my el cheapo ticket back and said I didn't want to sit with the cocaine dependant suits anyway. Bastards.
The electrician was considered to be a bit on the morbid side
Waiting at the luggage collect conveyor belt always reminds me of a story that I'll share with you. Ever wondered what's behind the black plastic flaps when the luggage disappears out of sight before re-appearing a couple of minutes later? Well one day so did I.
When I was a pup my ma' freaked out as she turned round to see me sitting on the belt with a mischievous grin on my face right before I disappeared out of site. She freaked out for a couple of minutes, probably thinking her baby boy is being shipped to Honk Kong or somewhere, only for me to re-appear the other end minus a stamp mark on my forehead to say where I'd been. She was one relieved woman I can tell you. I was just a pup at the time and can't remember the 'funfair ride' but people standing waiting for their luggage to come out must have saw me and thought, 'Fuck me, people will do anything to avoid paying for another seat'.
With co-star of cult television series The X-Files, Scully!
I'd heard a lot about the features Central / Eastern European women and when leaving the plane it quickly occurred that they were much like me ��" real beauties they were! I must have fallen in love no less than 5 times by the time I left the airport. Prague is a picturesque city where a lot of work has gone into the design of just about every building ��" not like London where it looks like it's been built by the President of Lego Land. All square and boring as fuck. Prague also has a big river like the River Thames, minus the pollution and floating dead bodies left over from voodoo rituals.
Walking down the street at night I was grabbed by one of those people who try to get you into their clubs, or this case a titty bar. So I ended up going in ��" yeah you read right, I went to a titty bar. And what? Listen, the girl was annoying the fuck out of me and wouldn't leave me alone for like, 2 minutes, so I only agreed to go in to shut her up, nothing to do with the strippers or anything, I swear. Inside I was surrounded by women who wanted to sleep with me which was great, until I remembered where I was. 2000 koruna, something like 55 quid, they wanted to charge me to sleep with them. I asked them if it came with a nuclear reactor suit cos I was a little paranoid of catching something. Oddly, they never saw the funny side but I thought it was fucking hilarious. They never bothered me again after that.
The nightlife and clubs in Prague is isn't too bad either, with most of the attention going to Karlovy Lazne. It claims to be the biggest club in Central Europe but me coming from London, big clubs are two a penny. But they were right ��" this is one big, fuck off club. Big like an elephant’s turd it was. It has loads of floors, so many that it provides lifts for the punters to up and down in. There's even an internet café inside where the geeks who don't like clubbing can find a sanctuary. After getting into the club we headed downstairs to the hip hop room, at which point I bid my friends farewell as I was in search of real music. And up the flight of stairs I went to the next level, and then the next level, and then another level, and carrying onto the next level and so on. I had to stop halfway up the building before I gave myself a cardiac. With all the bloody stairs to climb I was convinced it wouldn't be long before I'd reached heaven. At the top floor I pictured meeting God, who'd be behind a bar saying, 'hey Del, good climb. Can I get you a beer?'
In the nightclub I met this fella on leave from the American army, or whatever they call themselves over the pond. It was the first time I met a real life robot killing machine and I couldn't resist asking him; after spending years aiming at cardboard cut outs and plastic targets, what goes through his head the first time he aims at a live target? For fucks sake Del, talk about putting a downer on the fella’s night! His first night off army life in fuck knows how long and we're sitting back reminiscing how he blew some middle easterns head off.
And just listen to this! Sometime towards the end of my trip me ma' drops me a text to ask where I am. She works in a pub and a regular came in and began saying how his son was on holiday and met and had a conversation with me…. in Bondi Beach, Australia! Me ma' said to the regular I was in Prague, he said was she sure I didn't head to Perth? Which I didn't. How much of a head fuck is that? I've always joked about having a clone to take the blame off me but really, I think we've stumbled across some top secret military underground government research project for human cloning (TSMUGRPFHC). In theory it can be done and to separate the clones precisely opposite ends of the world is a coincidence? I think not. But this clone of mine new my mothers name and the pub she worked in and said he was her son, which is how they got about chatting.
Bored of Prague I travelled 65km east to the medieval city that is know as Kutna Hora for a couple of days to see what I could get up to there. Travelling on a rickety old train it soon appeared I was heading out to somewhere in the sticks (memories of Barcelona here) and I have to admit, the film 'Hostel' popped into my head more than a couple of times. But I managed to get there with my fingers intact. I visited a monastery in which I had to collect a big ass key from a tourist office to let myself in with. It's official guys; momentarily I had my very own key my very own monastery. And check this out, I went to this church thing called Sedlec Ossuary that was decorated with no less than the bones of at least 40,000 people. It's a bloody church for fucks sake! There were skulls everywhere you turned, pyramids built with stacks of femurs, radius, and all sorts of bones. Which begged me to question who the fuck ran this place? I can imagine the congregation all line up only to be greeted by Father Dracula at the alter saying, 'This is the blood of Christ, let us take it and…. Awww yeeeeh, let's have ourselves a PAR-TAY!!'
There's a museum in Kutna Hora too called the Czech Silver Museum. Underneath the museum is an old silver mine shaft that consequently made the city wealthy once it was discovered. The 200m deep, 500m long tunnels are open to tourists to tour but guess what? That was bloody closed in the winter and all. My plans to dig a new tunnel and come across a designer Vicenza necklace to give to my sister for xmas and who knows, maybe find where Jesus has been hiding all these years were totally thwarted.
And from there I headed back to Prague before heading back to boring boring England. Ah well, time to work and save for the Eastern European trip in the summer.