What I know for sure - I think

There are so many thoughts running through my head. I was listening to one of my favourite songs last night and the words struck a chord with me. “You look for your dreams in heaven, but what the hell are you supposed to do when they come true?”  

I guess the way I have been feeling lately had me wondering what the heck I have done to myself. However, each time I think about what I would be doing back in Australia if I had not left, I know I have done the right thing. I wouldn’t go back now if you paid me. Well, I guess it depends on how much you were willing to pay as to whether I would consider it or not. :) Chances are though, no matter how much, I just would not do it.

I am so glad I aim high, and look for my dreams in heaven; it reminds me of a quote I love, “Aim for the moon because even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.” I remember once when I was young, and a conversation I had with my mother about me not having a boyfriend at the time. She said, “You are too picky.” I still shake my head at the thought of being too picky when choosing someone to give your love. It makes me think about life, and how some people don’t aim for anything because they are too afraid to fail. Well, I hate to tell you, but if you fail to aim, then you aim to fail. Others settle for what they can get, I am happy to say I have never settled. I just keep searching until I find what it is I am looking for. Often I only need whatever I find for a short while before I am happy to let it go again. Other things, like certain friends I know I will never give up.

I once had a beautiful friend and we considered each other lifelong friends, little did we know that that ‘lifetime’ would end so soon, when she died of cancer just a few short years after we met. After many years of not having her in my life, certainly a lot more years than she was in my life, I still consider her one of my dearest friends. I learnt so much from her. She showed me what real grace is. I am still amazed that she felt the same way about me, I think because I learnt so much from her I find it hard to believe I could have given her anywhere near as much as she gave me. A couple of years ago I contacted her widower who told me of the love Sharyn had for me. How can two people meet and have this instant and deep connection? How is it that sometimes you recognise something in someone you have never met before and you just know this person will become someone very special to you? Then there are the people who are in your life on a daily basis and it’s not until they are no longer in your life that you truly realise just how much they touched your life.

I may not have had a perfect life, and I may have made some bad choices, but I am so glad for every choice I have made. I would not be me if I had made different choices. Well, I would still be me, but I would not have had all the wondrous experiences I have had. Even the rotten things that have happened in my life have led me down a path that I would not have taken if these things had not happened. Who knows where I would be now if my mother had not died when I was 18. I don’t regret my mother dying. Now, don’t get me wrong; do I wish every day that she could be here? You betcha, I miss the conversations we never had the chance to have, but how can I regret it. It wasn’t anyone’s fault, it just happened. Ok, so the doctor misdiagnosed her to begin with and had they not done so, mum may have lived longer. BUT still, (I am shaking my head - it doesn't matter what might have been) my life would be different. Everything that has happened in my life has brought me to where I am right now. I have embarked on a huge adventure and even if it feels like a nightmare at times; it really is a huge adventure. I have so many exciting times ahead of me that at times I can’t contain myself. The excitement bubbles over. I am learning all about a group of people who I had misunderstood before moving here. I am learning new ways to look at things and do things, ok, so some of these things go against the grain for me, but I am learning. What’s the point of being alive if you can’t learn new things. Some of the things I am learning I never thought I would embrace. It’s a strange feeling to open myself up to alien ideas.

In the last few months, I have met so many wonderful people, and I have left so many of my dear friends behind. I keep thinking about the choices I have made, the little nudges given to me by the universe to do things that I have not had time for, or not had an interest in, and the doors that have opened because I have chosen to take note of these little nudges. I am so grateful. I don’t know why I am here in China, a place I never really had a serious interest in exploring. I do know that I will come out of my time here a better person with some wonderful friends and life changing experiences.

Even the spare time I have has given me the opportunity to meet new people, and start learning a language that, again, I never had a desire to learn before now, and I love it so much. I think I have fallen in love for the first time in ages; I have fallen in love with my life. My last few years in Tassie were not particularly happy ones, I certainly had many joyful moments, but in general, I was not very happy. I think my friends can attest to that. Now, even though life sucks big time with everything falling down around me in my new apartment. There is on average two sunny days a month where I live, nobody speaks my language, I can’t get the ingredients of my favourite meals to cook, and the ingredients I can get, I’m really not sure what I am meant to do with them. I walk into stores thinking I’ll find something to make, but don’t recognise anything that is on the sides of packets and boxes, so I don’t even know if what is in there is salt or washing powder. I can’t find anybody to give me straight answers to my questions. I have learnt to approach questions in a different way. Instead of asking the question straight out, I now say, “Would you find out for me...” this yields much better and more satisfying results. I don’t have people just answering me because here in China if they don’t know the answer they see it as losing face so will give you any answer just to give you an answer. I have Sylvia to thank for reminding me of how they think of it as losing face, so thank you Sylvia. I was too close to my issues to realise this, even though I knew it. It’s the same thing when I realise that the Chinese in general are very smart people, but (again, generally) do not seem to have much common sense. However, I am learning this is more of a cultural thing and has more to do with the way they live their lives than actually lacking common sense.

As I sit here, I am receiving emails and because I have changed the alert for incoming emails, each time an email comes through I get a kiss. It has me smiling and I am finally getting some kisses. :)

Another album of mine I have been listening to a lot is by Aboriginal singer Geoffrey Gurrumul Yunupingu.  It is an amazing album mostly sung in his native dialect, there are a couple of songs in English, but beautiful music does not depend on you understanding the words. I learnt today this man has been blind since birth and when someone gave him a guitar to play, he didn’t find out until years later he was playing it upside down, but blindness and an upside down guitar have not stopped his magical talent shining through. The first time I went to The Bookworm here in Chengdu one of his songs was playing, I didn’t realise it was his until I woke up from the daze I was in to find myself humming along to the music. He is in Europe now, so if you get the opportunity to hear his music don’t miss it. I think listening to his music has brought a sense of peace to my soul I have not felt in a while. Mind you, I think the talk I had with myself the other day where I decided to embrace all this country has to offer, the good, the bad and the ugly, has helped too.  After my particularly bad day the other day I received so many wonderful comments from you all giving support and encouragement and I want to share a couple of quotes from one friend with you that when I read them they made me wake up to myself, so thank you Irene. “Two thoughts for my dear friend:
'Don't let one cloud obliterate the whole sky'. Anais Nin and 'The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes'. Marcel Proust.” I also have Irene to thank for introducing me to the beautiful music of Gurrumul. It was the first album I bought with my iTunes vouchers once I arrived in China. Thanks again for everything Irene. I miss you, and I miss your ‘Irene style’ cooking. :)

A thought just passed through my mind, “I am so far from home.” I was thinking of Tasmania when I thought this, but just as quickly I realised Tasmania is no longer my home, I will not go back there to live. Right now, I don’t know where my home is, I do know China is not my home, it is a temporary residence, but it is not home. I will have a home again one day, and I will feel I belong somewhere again.