with love, with patience and with faith, i'll make my way.

it is time to go back "home". my father asked me if i can stay in manila to manage the house and the remaining properties, or to live with him because he offered me a work in doha, qatar. there wasnt a second thought, that i said no. you see, living in europe is perfect for my idealism, physically i do not fit here, and will never be, and my values are still filipino, but the continent is the ultimate setting for my progressiveness.  but going back to the philippines, i dont fit in either, as i have been accustomed to european living. it was the hardest to choice for me, to stay or not to stay. i chose what i felt was right for me. and i told my father, that i am the last person on earth that can manage things.

i packed everything last night, i am all set, for the last time, i touched my old books and smelled them, touched my old clothes and lingered for a moment in my room. with a last deep breath, i am ready.

my father and jeffrey went with me to the airport, it was a bit early, so i smoked and talked with my father before entering the airport proper.  after our last goodbye, my father looked sad, as he will be again alone. i am too. but i did not showed it. my head remained high, because if i looked down, i would fall again.

just entering the airport in manila is horror. there is the security pass before the entrance, though the airport is small compared to the aiports i had been to, it is heavily secured sometimes it is too exaggerating. the problem is, if someone doenst look "too filipino" they just let them in withouth searching - just in my case, i forgot my mobile in my pocket and it alarmed in the metal detector, they didnt even bothered to check me, it happened in düsseldorf and even though i am small, big armed airport securities swarmed and dwarfed me. the situation in the airport in manila is pure discrimination.

inside the airport, i looked for the KLM counter, my trip back was with klm, the counter wasn't hard to find as IT WAS THE LONGEST LINE IN THE WORLD i had ever seen. good thing i was there early, if not, i would be scurrying for my flight.  then i found out that this was NOT the real check in counter, just a mere line to "organize passengers" whattafuck, when it was my turn, i had to weigh my bags with 3 people using the old weighing method, then went into the checking counter. then the woman said i must fill up a paper and pay for tax, heh? what tax, i asked her. she said its for leaving passengers. ok fine. at the tax counter, good thing i have a resident permit that i only have to pay 250 pesos, a mere 4 euros, but come on, why would you pay taxes just to leave the country? corruption.

i didnt went in line again and went straight to my counter. got my boarding pass and headed straight to the departure door.

i looked for a toilet and smoking area. in the smoking area was quite rather funny, as so many filipino overseas workers working abroad, mmost of them cluttered in the small smoking area with a cafe. coffee costs 80 pesos = 1.50 euros, a little cake costs 90 pesos = 1.80 euros and they were all complaining how expensive it was. i had a little smile on my face, because thats nothing in the aiports of europe where i had one scoop of fried chinese noodles in charles de gaulle earlier for 7 euros. but i did not bother to interact in the conversation, but it was fun listening to them, and then i realized, how lucky i am.

....... then came a memory.. so long ago, that tears started to well in my eyes. i was with a friend in a passenger jeep, exactly 15 years ago, i was 15.  there was a passenger, a middle aged man. he was covered with paint in his arms, and his shirt was dirty.  his hands were tired from working in the heat of the sun and he was sweating heavily. me and my friend taunted him, but in english, he looked at us sheepishly and tried to hide his tired and working hands from us.

now, i felt so ashamed from what i did. he was working so hard and earnest to feed his family and all i did was to taunt him and put him in his place. i was the most ignorant person in the world. whoever and wherever you are, sir.  i am sorry for what i did.

after i smoked in the small canteen, i went now inside the boarding gates. but before, i have to pass again another gate. and pay a customs fee of 750 pesos. whattafuck?! this is the only airport that i had paid TWICE to be able to board my plane.

after paying, i had to fill a form again. great. i dont have a ballpen. looking at people filling up the form i asked an old man if i can borrow his pen after he filled out his form, it turned out he was filling 5 forms and its taking him forever to write everyting, but i waited patiently. then a man with his family came up to me and asked if i needed a ballpen, i told him yes. but he only has a ballpen of his daughter with a girth compared to my arms, its the first time i laughed inside the airport. i had difficulty of writing because its the same size as my arms. hahaha. after i filled out the form, i thank the man and wife and the little girl who had the pen. next time i will bring 100000 ballpens with me.

then again another line, i hope i wont be paying AGAIN THIS TIME. turned out it was the last and final customs. when it was my turn, the woman in the counter, was so bossy, mean, sarcastic and arrogant asking me questions. she was asking my life in the philippines and in germany. whattafuck. so i got hotheaded and sarcastic with my answers too. because i dont give out personal informations about myself. when she was asking me for an id in germany, i laughed sarcastically and i told her, we dont need id's in germany. the passport and the resident permit is the id itself i told her. she had to let me go, she has no choice. i dont know why are they doing this. this is the most rotten system in the philippines, it has to go.

after that was another security check in, as i dont look "too filipino" they didnt even checked my things. so why the hell they put the security system just bypassing some passengers?

at the KLM boarding gate, they announced that the flight was going t be delayed. what a way to start flying back home.

but with love, with patience and with faith, i will surely make my way.