how to kill time in a german airport...

Cologne Travel Blog

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the porn shop in the airport. yeah.

your flight leaves at 9:55pm. you get dropped off at the airport at 8:15pm because there is an important football match on the television that you driver needs to watch. what is one to do?

GO TO THE PORN SHOP!!

so the car parks in front of the drop off area at the koln/ bonn airport. "if you want coffee there is a starbucks in the corner. there is also a burger king and other restaurants inside if you are hungry. if you go further down there is a porn shop next to the pharmacy."

eaiugaiefbeaiq3o3@!! exsqueeze me? come again? did you just say PORN SHOP?! I FRIGGIN' LOVE GERMANY!!

so i check in, and it was super cake. the chick spoke english, was really interested to see an asian chick from america, flying out of germany and into turkey, and was really sweet.

sexy time!!
"i like you passport peekchoor. whar from are you in states?" california. "oh, beauty. this my dream." adorable. i want to rescue her and take her on a trip with me. had i the means, i totally would. and had i not had the burning desire to check this porn shop out, i would've probably talked with her longer since there weren't any people behind me. i surmise my compassion is a lot smaller than my libido.

LEAVE IT TO ME TO GET LOST WITHIN THE FIRST 2 MINUTES.

already i have to ask for directions. 'enshuldigung, english?' "NO." --F*CK!! man, this IS an international airport, right? [that's the ignorant american thinking.] alright. look for someone else that speaks english. 'enschuldigung, english?' "yes, i do. what can i help you with?" 'oh awesome, so this may sound really odd, but i heard a rumor that there was a sex shop here in the terminal.

your thong has to match your outfit. men need variety too.
is that true?' "why is it odd? it's natural! just keep going straight and turn left. you're see it, it's called beate uhse."

no kiddin'. this place was amazing. even moreso because it's in a friggin' airport. ball gags were on sale. that was nice. they had a wide variety of s&m types of product. this is germany. they also featured a lot of mature porn. i didn't put all the pictures up that i took. in fear that travbuddy would freeze my account, but you can just imagine if i could only put 4 pics up, and i spent a good 45 minutes in there taking many pictures, let's just say they're really REALLY bad. they also featured the biggest dong i've ever seen...and it wasn't in the form of a penis. it was actually a fist and an arm. a big, muscular african-american ARM.

that's right. i had it my way. flaming hot buffalo strips and BEER at BURGER KING!! i almost cried.

i hadn't seen any strap-ons and it kinda suprised me so i asked the clerk if he had any. luckilly he spoke english. he seemed really nervous. choked up everytime he started to say something and couldn't look me in the eye. this is the usual reaction i get from walking into german sex shops, and YES, i've been to enough to know the consistancy. it's either a younger dude in his late 20's to mid 30's or an older dude in his 40's-50's with a gut and that perverted sweat. [i too, have this sweat.] they either can't look me in the eye and stutter or they grin from ear to ear and keep scanning my body up and down. either way it's friggin' hilarious. anyhow, after he caught his breath and the redness in his face subsided he came out and showed me where all the strap ons were.

yippee!!
after a long drawn-out pause he asked, "have you used before this one?" before i responded, i actually thought about it [i NEVER think before i speak too, i'm so proud.] "no. just looking." --cause if i were to say what i was going to say, he might've had an asthma attack.

i left the sex shop. their strap-on selection was kinda dismal and disappointing. i made it down to the burger king and saw an advertisement for flaming hot chicken strips. mmm, flaming hot. i'm next in line to order and, lo and behold, the dude before me has a clear plastic cup, filled with a buttery tan colored beverage with a cloud of white foam on top...could it be?! am i dreaming?! 'enschuldigung, vas ist das? ist das ein bier?' "ja." i damn near fell out. this IS burger king, right? god loves me. god is good.

sitting down, jovially eating my flaming hot chicken strips, that weren't hot at all, and drinking my beer. AT BURGER KING. mmm. so good!! everyone in the restaurant was looking at me. i think it was all the giggling and the flash of the camera constantly going off of me taking pictures of myself in front of all these burger king logos with my beer in hand. what can i say, i'm a tourist!!

by the time i was done with my grub i had 20 minutes to board my flight. everything was a breeze. some guy kept following me around saying that he was from antalya and that he wanted to show me around his town. i guess he lived in maryland and florida or something and has a company dealing with pesticides. HE WAS CREEPY. and then i just tried to keep quiet and alone so he wouldn't bug me anymore. these old german dudes started talking to me, we had a few laughs. it was cool.

i can't wait to fly out of this airport again. ^_^

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the porn shop in the airport.

y…
the porn shop in the airport. …
sexy time!!
sexy time!!
your thong has to match your outfi…
your thong has to match your outf…
thats right. i had it my way. fla…
that's right. i had it my way. fl…
yippee!!
yippee!!
Cologne
photo by: lauro