Saying goodbye to love
Petaling Jaya Travel Blog› entry 11 of 13 › view all entries
Saying goodbye to the one you love is never easy, under any circumstance. I just thought I'd share this with you, in the hopes that anyone else in a similar mess may find comfort in the knowledge that they are not alone in their pain. It's not copyrighted, so you may use this if you find you're having trouble with words. :)
It’s time I let you go. Against the longing, searing, flesh-tearing pain of my heart that wants you so much, I cannot escape the fact that you no longer want me, the way you wanted me not too long ago.
Wasn’t it you that wanted us to give it a try? Weren’t you the one that had a million and one things to say to melt my heart and the part of my brain that does the rational thinking? Wasn’t it you that said age is just a number and that it doesn’t matter if we’re into each other? Well, where the hell did that “you” go? I fought and my heart fought your love hard, Goddammit! I was the rational one, the one who was thinking straight – that this is all happening too soon, that we’re oceans apart and that was no way that this could work out! But you persisted! And you eventually won me over… against my better judgment. And against my better judgment, I knew… I was damn sure that the moment I gave in to you – like I did with the others – that I was going to lose you.
And so I did… slowly but surely, you slipped away from me. Your brain, it seemed, began working again and in doing so, came to the realization that us being so far apart could not find a way to be closer, and even if we did, it would take ages before we found each other. You said you didn’t want to linger, and you didn’t want to wait. That it was better to find someone who lived in your time zone and who was so much closer to you than I’ll ever be. But I think you didn’t even want to try. You were lazy! I thought you were a fighter, but no, I now know you’re a quitter. You don’t even want to fight that much harder for us, even when I thought there was a chance. I guess I was wrong about you. And oh, how much I want to hate you, to find so many things to not like about you… but the truth of the matter is, I can’t forget you. I don’t know if I ever will.
And the more painful truth is, you no longer want me. Every time I repeat that fact to myself – that you no longer want me – I feel like the insides of my stomach are being slowly ripped out of my body… the pain so wonderfully sharp, prolonged, like burning flesh. The tears, they come so easily, boiling the back of my eyes as I try to contain them there.
I can’t believe it, I say to myself. I can’t believe that it’s happening to me again! The moment I press the remote button, and bring down the walls that surround my already fragile heart, exposing all the hairline cracks with the hopes that he will see and heal it with his love, instead takes it and squashes it in his hands like a sponge being drained of water. I saw this coming, but I chose to ignore it, because I thought that there really are wonderful men out there who are capable of loving, of fighting for what they believe in, but I guess I was wrong.
And I tried to play the friends card, but that doesn’t do me any good. I see you online every day and try to be a friend to you, but my heart is screaming for you to want me but you don’t. You no longer have those sweet nothings to say to me, all that romantic mush you used to leave me has been replaced with polite hellos and how are yous. As much I’m trying to fight to win you back, I know it’s a winless battle.
So it’s best I let you go. Before I end up a pathetic puddle of emotional mess that you pity instead of admire, before I end up saying something I may regret for the rest of my life, I’ll let you go.
Go to the open field of possibilities for love that is within realistic reach. I hope you find the love that you seek. But know that no one could ever passionately feel for you the way I feel for you. If our paths should cross someday, I pray that that day my heart will no longer skip a beat for you and that I won’t stop breathing when you’re in my presence, but that I can welcome you with the open arms of a true friend, who no longer pines for you but wants the best for you, which I still feel is me.
The end ;)