The Chinese toilet is no match for the American turd and I am no match for the Chinese toilet

China Travel Blog

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One of few Western toilets.
I, unlike most of you who are reading this now, did not read most of Lisha’s blogs. So if you are tired of hearing about the China toilet saga go ahead and skip this. For me it is a brand new adventure in which I endeavored with relatively limited knowledge. Oh but the knowledge I have gained! To spare some monotony I will only discuss a couple of my experiences while on the road. First and foremost, do not throw any paper whatsoever in a Beijing toilet. Do not flush anything larger than a Ladyfinger in a Beijing toilet. Especially if you stay in room 3802 at the Far East Youth Hostel. I learned these things the hard way. The toilet paper thing was easy to get over. The “Ladyfingers” were a different story. And I use the term Lady loosely. The first time the ladies clogged the toilet, it took a few minutes and a few strategically timed flushes to get it down. Fine. The next time the ladies clogged the toilet was again, a different story. Over the course of the next hour toilet flushing strategy and gravity were no match for the defiance of the Beijing toilet. I now understand why the shower is also in the toilet but I have yet to figure out why there are no plungers. I personally was mortified and did not want to call the front desk; hence, the hour long stand off with the toilet but Lisha in her infinite wisdom and to my delight replied, “What are you embarrassed or something?” To thank her for pointing out my foolish Western modesty, I immediately offered to go downstairs and buy her an ice cream when, red-faced and embarrassed, I had to tell the English speaking front desk person that the toilet was clogged in our room. I asked them to send up the big guns which of course turned out to be a little Chinese woman who probably weighed less than the contents of the toilet. I only know this because Lisha told me when I returned after.…… I went across the street to call home……then went in to see our bartender……..then checked my e-mail. After about 20 minutes went by, and after I had laughed my ASS off wondering if Lisha had changed her mind about how embarrassing it would be to have a disgusted, irritated Chinese woman dislodge her American-sized turd from the already gorged Chinese toilet. Even now as I write this I cannot remove this ludicrous Cheshire cat grin that is plastered to my face. Actually, I am still laughing my ass off about it. I grabbed the ice cream and went upstairs. Needless to say Lisha was embarrassed because she knew the Chinese lady thought it was her and according to her, it would have been different if I had've been there b/c the Chinese lady wouldn’t have known if it was me or Lisha. Lisha had the joy of listening to the smooching sounds and the aftermath. You want to know a good reason they have showers in the bathroom? They are good for spraying down the room if the toilet overflows after a vigorous plunging. For the record, and in order to repent and give Lisha some kind of satisfaction for leaving her in the room alone, it was my American sized “Ladyfinger!”.....that time.

And on an even fouler note, I used a squatter toilet at a Hainan restaurant that made me wish we hadn’t already ordered food. This bathroom made some of the port-a-potties I have used look like the Ritz-effing-Carlton! Lisha had a pair of 3” flip flops that I had to wear into the toilet in order to avoid the 2” puddle of standing water. Next I had to climb on top of a 3’ platform that housed the squatter. Everywhere there was indeterminable brown and black smudges, puddles, smears, and crusts. No paper. A horrendous smell and ants that had apparently found something tasty enough to bring back to the hill/farm/whatever. I only regret that I didn’t take a picture of it so as to share with all of you the worst toilet I have ever seen in my entire life.

PS. I will post more pleasant things in the future but I had to get this off my chest. SNR
shaunar says:
Let me post pre-empt this journal. I'm sure if you are of the kind that travels in style and luxury, you will find perfectly fine toilets. However if you like staying somewhat cheaply and enjoy the off beaten path, beware. Always carry your own toilet paper in China. More likely than not you'll need it. Also, let it be known that the Far East Hostel was a great place to stay as far as I'm concerned, right in the middle of the Hu Tang district and walking distance to the square and Forbidden City. Nothing but a toilet mishap but watch out for those public ones!
Posted on: Mar 20, 2008
cmgervais says:
LOL! NOT looking forward to this aspect of Beijing.
Posted on: Mar 19, 2008
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One of few Western toilets.
One of few Western toilets.