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First off, I am a total recluse-socialite. I understand that this is in fact an oxymoron, however, much of me is, as you continue down this passage much this will become all to apparent. What I mean by this is simply that I do have a socialite persona. I very much enjoy, traveling, attending educational establishments, strolling around town and dancing at clubs. I do most all these things that involve others with only one chosen person. All the people around me I block out and I feel that they are just filler on this stage of life. Components that are necessary, but not needed in the greater scheme of things.
I do totally live in my own world. I am understanding this more and more as I am in this tour of my mind. I am not as far to say that I am a agoraphobic, however some of my aquatics may beg to differ. I have a routine that I do that stray that far from. I do not wish to hang in social settings for the simple reason of “being there”. My life is far too busy; I’d rather be home creating and learning. I spend 80% of my time when in Denver in my home, drawing, writing, working on my static books or other artistic outlets.
Every morning I go rollerblading and have my work out routine. I take very good care of my body. I keep fit, healthy and tone. Although on the surface I am very much like every other woman, forever believing that I am over weight and never look good enough. This is not the underlining reason why I do this. I do it for the prolonging attributes caused by leading a healthy life. Truth is that I have too many things that I wish to accomplish in this life. I already feel as I have wasted 25 years of my life getting to this point of simply understanding this. I wish to live another century and I will work very hard to accomplish this. It’s not that I fear death, I fear not living.
All day at home, I will be watching the discovery channel or other learning stations while creating my art. I am a clean freak, of mind, body and sole. Never satisfied with the state of my living space. I have been told that I am immensely neurotic. I wash my cloths as soon as I return from the place which had dirtied them. I brush my teeth about 5 times a day and shower it least 3 times any given day. I spend much time taking care of my skin with sprays, lotions for my different parts and massage. I meditate several times a week and self reflect on my accomplishments and goals, past and future. I use a day planner and daily goal sheet to make sure that I do not stray that far from my 3 main goals: My Music, Art and Poetry. Everything else is my life fillers to keep me occupied and mentally fulfilled.
Despite my demeanor or the perception I give off of who I am, I truly do not have that many “Friends”. I spend much of my time alone. I have perhaps 10 people that I would place in this category spread throughout the world. Only 2 that I actually get together on a monthly basses. I suppose the reasoning behind this is that wish to focus my energy rather than spread it out. I am more of a quality seeker than quantity. However I will give anyone the chance if they approach me with the interest of friendship. More so than friends I have business connections. This is more necessary and desired along my path of life. I don’t really need a shoulder to cry on. My life does not call for this. However my life does call for learning, experience and opportunity.
I very much enjoy attending a club once a week in rotations to once every 3 months. I do not drink, smoke or do drugs, wish to party or desire to get laid, so my passion is in the dance. I am freed by this action. If you have seen me perhaps you may see this. I dance for me. Everything around me melts into the music and the music penetrates my sole and takes me over. I will dance anywhere to any type of music. I will attend any musical entertainment establishment of any genre. I am not prejudice to a certain people or stile. I am perhaps overly eclectic. I will attend gatherings with all middle aged black folk, to an event geared towards the “Redneck” crowd. I can enjoy my self most anywhere at any time. I am very low maintenance in this way. I will seek out the one intellectual conversation in any crowd. I am a culture vulture and always desire to learn the reasoning of the human mind. So I spend much of my time talking to all kinds of people from all the different walks of life. People interest me on the surface level. They make me understand my own humanity. There actions and reactions further my understanding of people, society and groups with societies. There view, both the negative and positive intrigue me. There perception of who I am by my attire, employment, entourage or dialogue can further create an understanding of myself and perhaps what I need to work on, enhance and possibly even change.
I am a child of experience and the need to understand these experiences. Much that I do is simply a self awareness social experiment. I as a writer, not only of the poetic nature, but of films, I choose to employ myself a bit more on the edge than others would desire. This fills me with feelings and thoughts that I may not otherwise have. It surrounds me with interesting people for my character development of myself and for my films. I become more rounded and worldly.
I have done many things that go against my better judgment to see my feelings, reactions and thoughts on the subject. I have worked as district manager of the clothing ring, “The Body Shop,” worked the floor at a skating rink, worked in homeless shelters, with disabled children, as a escort, a tour manager for bands, singer, crime scene clean up, stripper, t-shirt screen printer and much more. All these experiences have moved me further towards my understanding of the human experience and desires. I can channel these emotions when acting in a movie or in my writings. However I do have limitations, I have experienced to the edge of them, however; I will not pass them, and many of them that I have experienced I will never return to. I hold no regret, just not the desire to travel those paths once more.
I have been the most dependent, to the most independent person that you may ever run across. I need, and need to not need. I’ll run away at the first sign of trouble, or try for years at no end, and more often then not, to no avail, to fix things for the fear of the change I long for. I will never let go of people once loved despite how it ended and I will never hold a grudge. I get taken advantage of on a regular basses and seem to allow this. I feel that perhaps they need it more than I. Every time I swear that it is the last, it never ceases to be. I am a glutton for punishment at times, but never cry over spilt milk and it is easy for me to move on. So move I do, and must.
I am an open book for those who wish to read. You may ask yourself why would I unveil my self in such a way and bare myself in this way to people who don’t event know me. As my desire to understand, I also have a desire matched to be understood. Some may see that I am leaving myself vulnerable by releasing myself this way. However I see this not to be the case. I don’t know you so although your opinion is important on the surface, it is not on a deeper level and will not effect me. I have no secrets and do not wish to. I just really don’t care. If someone actually cares enough about me to thoroughly read through this than this is someone that I would more so desire to know rather than some simpleton who all to simply comments upon my persona. I do not lie. I see not the point. No one could say this better than Oliver Twist, in the character of Gulliver speaking of the Yennams to the court, “To speak that which is an untruth; a lie; would defeat the very purpose of speech itself.” Perhaps I just do not care what people think, but I know this not to be true.
Often I receive the opinions of what people thought of me before they conversed with me. More often than not the consciences view is that I am a slut, stuck up and to good for people. I understand where these thoughts come from; my appearance. It is the first thing people notice about me. Well, I’m not bad… I’m just photographed that way. I am not a slut, however I do not believe in total monogamy. I do not sleep around. Sex is way too complicated for me to wish to deal with. Those who know me better seem to believe that I never get laid; this is not the case ether. I do not see the reasoning of the act simply because I have the ability. The quality rather than the quantity comes into play here. I have my select lovers that I stick to. I just do not see the need for addition; and when I do, I will. I can let go and I have. I can detach; but in the end I always go back to my strong morals. It was my strong morals that made me wish to experiment in the first place. I have gone to the dark side, played there, returned with greater understanding and no regret. Perhaps some pain, but without pain one would not know or truly understand the impact of pleasure.
I am perhaps the simplest most complex person that I know. But truths be it told that I do know yet only myself, and I spend much of my time trying to understand me. I need to be loved and left alone. I am as high maintenance as I am low. I have as many walls as I have doors. I will let anyone into my library of who I am, however, not into the volt of my soul. Not one person has entered here to date. I am strong, demanding and the weakest person that can be easily broke; and I have. I hide behind myself and constantly question why. Forever wishing to escape these chains I have places upon myself. I have been fighting myself in this internal battle that has lasted many years. Knowing that I can never win when I am fighting myself. When I do win, I am still there, so what’s the point? You will read much of this in my poetics. The war between my personalities. Demontia forever trying to subjugate XZanthia, Cherie’s pain and Katt’s spitefulness with the overview of Vampire Rose.
I think way too much. The thoughts never cease to flow. More often than not this is an annoyance rather than an advantage. They keep me up at night. I have to have a film running just to quiet them long enough to drift to sleep. My dreams are intense and often follow me into my wakening hours. My heart throbs and I become short of breath with these thoughts. Almost in a panic. As a child it was doubly so.
My desire to understand is only matched with m desire for experiences. Paralleled with this is my need to not ever be forgotten, for only in others minds can I truly be immortal. So I work at no end, in every medium, creating things that will out live me. I am constantly writing in journals, creating my static books and obsession over my own mortality. With this my art is inspired. In my art you may see this inspiration. The dead coming back to life. The good and the evil, both sexes. Life and death all as one being. It is this balance that keeps me sane. I need to create and learn. I have no choice.
This is the underlining reasoning behind the care I keep of my health. My love for life and everything in it is immense and controlling of my every move. I do not consume narcotics for the elongating detriments that they cause. In the same breath I will not forever deny myself of the once experience. I live for only tomorrow. Today is not important. But without today I would not have tomorrow, I understand this. So my ever action is well thought out in both these aspects.
Much of my life can be reflected in this once you get to know me. My obsession will become apparent. It may enthrall or conceivably annoy. This does not affect me. Not many are able do this with there opinions; however I always want to know what the view of me is from the out side looking in. I can not see the forest for the trees. Although you may truly never know me, I can only truly know me, through your eyes.
Now if you actually took the time to read this I thank you immensely! Please do comment your thoughts on this below. I am truly interested in what your rebuttal is. I will be changing and updating this periodically. The date that I do so will be stated at the top of this passage.