Santa's CRACK

Finland Travel Blog

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On the morning of Christmas Eve the temperature at the North Pole was all the way up to an unbelievable 34 degrees. Santa Claus was getting ulcers because that meant there wouldn't be any snow for Christmas.

Santa turned on his radio and tuned in on station WRED, Moscow, for the weather forecast. Santa had a machine that could translate any language into English, which was the only language Santa knew. The weatherman said that the temperature would stay above freezing in Moscow and north of it. Santa Claus fainted and immediately there was an earthquake in Montreal, killing 327 people.

One of Santa's elves, Poindexter, was determined to get some snow. He told Santa, "I'll get some snow for you if I could borrow one of your reindeer."

"OK," said Santa, "but don't use Hollingsworth, he has transmission problems."

So Poindexter took Prodney, the best flyer, to help him look for some snow. They headed south at 1,729.97324 miles per second. That's 103,795.944 miles per minute or 6,227,756.64 miles per hour.

Poindexter landed in California and asked some scientists, "Could you tell me how to make some snow?"

They thought that Poindexter was nuts so they put him in a straightjacket and called the loony bin to take him away. While they were waiting for the truck from the loony bin, Prodney was getting restless and started flying around the laboratory. As the scientists were watching the reindeer, Poindexter, who had been studying ape language, called the scientists' pet ape over and told the ape to get him out of the straightjacket. The ape politely obeyed, and Poindexter snuck out the back door.

"Let's go," he said to his reindeer, and they flew off at 6,227,756.64 miles per hour.

When the people from the loony bin arrived, and there was no nut, they asked the scientists, "Where's the nut?"

The scientists said, "He flew off on a flying reindeer."

Since flying reindeer aren't too common around California, the people from the loony bin said, "Those scientists must be a couple of nuts!"

They were taken to the eye doctor and the people from the loony bin told the doctor, "These guys say they saw someone riding a flying reindeer."

"Those guys should see an eye doctor," said the eye doctor.

"That's why we're here," said the people from the loony bin.

After determining that the scientists had 20/20 vision, the doctor said, "These guys must be nuts."

"That's what we thought," said the guys from the loony bin as they took the scientists off to the loony bin.

Heading south, Poindexter and Prodney encountered very hot weather, so they increased their altitude to where the air was thinner and they could fly faster. At 10:30 that morning they reached the South Pole. Poindexter found some penguins that could speak English and asked them how they learned it.

Elmer, the penguins' governor, said, "We found some English books and learned the language."

"I have a problem," said Poindexter, "Santa is getting ulcers because there is no snow for Christmas."

"You could borrow some snow a few miles west of here," said Elmer, "but watch out for the Abominable Snowman. He's 27 feet, 2 inches tall and weighs 1342 14/17 pounds. He could eat you and me in one bite. You can tell when he's coming. You can smell him 3 4/5 miles away. My friend Max will go with you, he knows the area better than anyone."

After they headed west for a while, Max said, "I smell the Abominable Snowman."

"Which way is he coming from?" asked Poindexter.

"Nobody can tell," said Max, "he smells so bad that the stench is all over."

"Sounds like my mother-in-law," said Poindexter.

They ran forward and bumped into a huge creature 27 feet 2 inches tall. As the Abominable Snowman opened his mouth to eat them in one bite, Poindexter took his pointed cap, which was made to fit the shape of his head, and put it into the Abominable Snowman's mouth, which prevented him from closing it.

Poindexter and Max flew off as fast as they could. After a few miles Max showed them the snow that they could borrow. It was now approximately 12 noon and Poindexter asked, "How could we get this snow all the way back to the North Pole?"

"You should take the shortest possible route," said Max.

"The shortest way is through the center of the earth," said Poindexter, "but there isn't any hole that goes all the way to the North Pole."

"We could make one," said Max

"How?"

"There is only one thing hot enough to melt a hole through the center of the earth, and that is the Abominable Snowman's and the Giant Polar Bear's blood mixed together."

"What's the Giant Polar Bear?" asked Poindexter.

"He kills anything he sees and is 23 feet tall and weighs 1348 5/12 pounds," replied Max.

"I know how we can get them to fight," said Poindexter. "I could get the Giant Polar Bear's attention by riding on Prodney and then the Giant Polar Bear will follow us to the Abominable Snowman."

"I'll ask Elmer," said Max.

After they received permission, Poindexter found the Giant Polar Bear and lured him over to the Abominable Snowman. The fight shook the earth and there was a crack right down the middle of it. The Abominable Snowman hit the Giant Polar Bear in the mouth and the skin between his mouth and nose was torn off. This didn't meet with the Giant Polar Bear's approval so he cracked the Abominable Snowman over the head with his paw and destroyed his skull. After 10 minutes one of the Giant Polar Bear's eyes was hanging out, his spleen was cracked, his left ear was missing, and his right front paw was torn off. The Abominable Snowman's nose was slit, the skin on the top of his head was barely hanging on, one of his legs was cut off, and he had a 3- foot hole in his stomach. Both of the combatants had a few minor injuries such as 6-inch cuts in their necks. They both died soon afterwards.

Poindexter took one of the Giant Polar Bear's ears, attached it to Prodney with the Abominable Snowman's large intestine, and ordered Prodney to fly in a circle around the corpses with the ear in the blood so that the blood would get mixed. They poured the blood down the crack in the middle of the earth to make the hole larger. Then they cleaned the corpses and took 5,127.532 acres of snow and condensed the snow into the corpses and attached them to Prodney's legs.

Poindexter said goodbye to the penguins and flew with Prodney through the crack in the middle of the earth. Some snow fell out of the corpses and snow was coming out of all of the volcanoes in the world.

Poindexter and Prodney came out of the crack at the North Pole and told Santa what had happened. Santa was so happy that he jumped up and down so much that the earth shook and the crack closed.

At approximately 7:00 PM Poindexter rode Prodney through the air from the North Pole to Moscow. Each inch of condensed snow was equal to 17,248 yards of snow. Poindexter poured the snow where there was none and everybody was happy. The Russians gave Poindexter a medal and the Norwegians promised to make dolls that looked like him.

Poindexter put the excess snow on a cloud so that it would fall later. He and Prodney dropped the corpses into the Arctic Ocean. At about midnight Poindexter and Prodney went to the North Pole to help Santa get ready to take toys to all of the children all over the world.

 

tvillingmarit says:
Send Pointdexter to Trondheim, the snow here has melted
Posted on: Dec 22, 2007
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6,280 km (3,902 miles) traveled
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