Taxation Without Intoxication!!!

Utah Travel Blog

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Utah's pretty...pretty freakin' weird!!!


     Wow, it has been a while since I jotted down some thoughts on travel.  Little did I know that my musings were being well received.  I thank all that have viewed, commented, chastised, and chuckled at my previous blogs.  So…I figure, let’s kick off the rust and fabricate a little more. 

     And what better place to poke a little fun at than Utah!

     Now don’t get me wrong.  I have a lot of family sprinkled across the state and I love them dearly.  Utah has miles and miles of natural scenery.  Still, Utahans have to recognize that any place where the beer gets you full before you can catch a buzz…well, you have to be able to laugh at yourself a little bit.

Their beer sucks, but at least they can laugh at themselves.

     3.2 folks!!!  3.2 percent alcohol.  Why is that necessary?  And how does that happen?  It’s like they made “happy hour” into “45 minutes with sporadic laughs.”  Seriously, residents of Utah will make runs for the Nevada border just to snag a beer with 4% alcohol.  It makes me a little sad that a whole state has to endure such strict regulation.  There are not many causes I will champion, but the freedom to get yo’ drink on is one that I will go down fighting for. 

     There needs to be a grass roots effort!  Write the congressman!  Grab your picket signs and love beads and let’s chain ourselves to the nearest brewery.  Let the protestations ring through the Utah night air.

Cue the porno music!!!

      “Screw you and your 3.2!”…

      “Taxation without intoxication!”…and…

      “Your nine moms wear combat boots!”

      Oh yes, how can we talk about Utah without bringing up the subject of polygamy?  It is like discussing San Fran without mentioning the Golden Gate Bridge.  Austin without the music scene.  Simply put, Utah equals booty.  And I’m not talking about pirate treasure, baby!

      For so many years, I think polygamists were considered eclectic.

Kind of like having multiple wives...but different
  Like they had a real interesting hobby.  You know, kind of like those people who get off on making little tiny boats in glass bottles.  However, since HBO decided to make a soap opera surrounding the polygamist culture, the world has taken notice.  And as well they should! 

      Let me say, though, that it is not your everyday Joe Mormon participating in this.  Most Mormons just live their lives, shun Coca-Cola, make casseroles, procreate, and tithe their ten percent to the church.  It is the new breed of Mormon.  A sleeker, stronger, faster breed.  One that can satisfy three women on any given Sabbath.

      Kinda makes you want to be a Mormon, eh?

      Lastly, I have to speak about the Shakespearean Festival in Cedar City, Utah.

Alas, poor Yorik. I knew him once. His tights really defined his calves.
  I used to go up to the town to with a buddy of mine.  He attended Southern Utah University and I would visit for the festivities.  Nothing like grabbing a sixer of diluted beer and being treated to a gaggle of men in tights.  Well, I imagine prison is kind of like it…you know, without the beer.  And the tights.  And the overstated English accents.  Hmmm…maybe not my best analogy.

      Okay, everyone, I think that may signal the end of the line for me.  Go see Utah.  It is wonderful.  Just hold on to your wife, make sure you bring in a bottle of the hard stuff, and watch out for crazy Danes with Oedipus complexes.

      Again…thanks for reading.

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Utahs pretty...pretty freakin we…
Utah's pretty...pretty freakin' w…
Their beer sucks, but at least the…
Their beer sucks, but at least th…
Cue the porno music!!!
Cue the porno music!!!
Kind of like having multiple wives…
Kind of like having multiple wive…
Alas, poor Yorik.  I knew him once…
Alas, poor Yorik. I knew him onc…
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