The Zen of Pants

Bangkok Travel Blog

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Pantastic! The SKA model gruds in their full glory.

The woman in the Tokyu shopping mall pant section delights in showing me a range of male undergarment options. I'm not used to intensive customer service whilst buying skivvies and as a result, I'm a little hesitant. Eventually, after bypassing skimpy briefs and garish silk boxers, I opt for 4 modest pairs of black undercrackers as shown in the accompanying photo.

When I get back to my hostel and open one of the packets, I discover that my new keks, produced by a company named SKA, come with instructions. Not as in how to put them on, but in how to live your life. I shit you not, the label on the pants displays the following:

The Five Basic Principles of Moral Conduct

(Survival of SKA's Men)

  1. One refrains from killing and lives merciful towards all living beings.

    The pants packet - almost as bizarre as the Moral Conduct rules on the label.

  2. One refrains from stealing (and is honest and pure of heart).

  3. One refrains from sexual misconduct and does not violate the social mores with regard to sex.

  4. One refrains from telling a lie being summoned as a witness before an assembly or a court of law, one claims to know and see only what one has really known and seen, one does not utter a lie for the sake of oneself or for the sake of others.

  5. One abstains from intoxicant drinks.

Receiving guidance about how to live your life from pant packaging is a brilliant concept. So far out of left field as to be out of the stadium, obviously, but brilliant nonetheless. If only British manufacturers did the same then UK crime and alcohol abuse rates would plummet faster than you can say: “Brown in Brown Y Fronts Banking Fiasco.” or “Smarmy Cameron Briefs Shadow Cabinet in Briefs.”

My smile vanishes when I try the pants on; they're too small. I'm not just saying this to, er, “big myself up” with the ladies, they're just the wrong size. It feels like the pants are judging me: I'm clearly not “pure of heart” enough to wear SKA products and they've tightened themselves accordingly. If further proof was required that I'm going to hell in a handcart – then you've got it right there.

Ach well, Jesus wears sandals and the Devil wears Prada so at least I'll be on the right side in the fashion stakes of eternity...

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Pantastic! The SKA model gruds in …
Pantastic! The SKA model gruds in…
The pants packet - almost as bizar…
The pants packet - almost as biza…
photo by: halilee