On the Buses

OK so Ecuador is done and dusted and it was a hell of a three weeks with more ups and downs than Debbie does Doncaster (The Deluxe Double D Edition). I´ll do a separate entry for some of the things I´ve missed out previously, but for now, safely over the border in Peru, I thought I´d write about the splendid buses we´ve been leaping on and off for the last three weeks. And so I give you:  

The 10 Commandments of Bus Travel in Ecuador:

1. Thou shalt have lots of leg room. At least until the person in front reclines their seat to the max and squashes you like the gringo bug you are.

2. Thou shalt watch terrible, terrible (and always violent) films with terrible, terrible Spanish dubbing. "Walking Tall", "Armageddon" and "Tears of the Sun" please stand up.

3. Thou shalt listen to music with a beat that sounds like a 3-legged mule clippety-clopping along. This will be intersperced with soppy ballads in Spanish that mention "love", "hearts" and "forever" and not much else. Very occasionally thou shalt have Rick Astley, Bonnie Tyler or something equally incongruous instead.  

4. Thou shalt chat broken Spanglish with randoms including a 50 year-old bloke with a peg leg and a penchant for communism - Castro style. 

5. Thou shalt not have a toilet break, even if the trip is eight hours long - tough luck gringo; we must vamos!

6. At the commencement of your journey, thou shalt be forced to listen to a bloke at the front of the bus flogging weed killer, vitamin supplements, Christmas cards or something equally random in a live 15 minute infomercial format.  

7. Thou shalt buy cheese empanadas (thin pastries) for 25 cents  that don´t taste like cheese from the flocks of vendors who charge on and off the bus selling all kinds of weird and wonderful food items.       

8. If thou art not getting onto the bus at the station then thou shalt be rushed onto the bus by the conductor - quick! quick! quick! Vamos Gringo! As soon as thou art on the bus however, it will sit there for another slow, slow, slow, five minutes, waiting for any random stray to show up and cram on as well.

9. Thou shalt go "awww!" or "ewww!" at the pigs, chickens, cats, sheep and other livestock that make it onto various parts of the bus for the journey.  

10. The driver shalt read, text, chat to a mate and do many things other than watching the road as he drives perilously close to 300 ft sheer drops off mountains. Whilst it´s foggy. Or night. Or both.

Having said all that - the Ecuadorian buses have been great fun, and we survived - so give them a try if you get the chance!