A note during an idle NYC summer

Brooklyn Travel Blog

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I was just talking to my cousin yesterday about  my exciting China travel stories, as well as showing all the weird pictures of places and people and us to him. Then I went on about how I really dislike living here in NYC bc the streets are dirty people are weird weather is hot etc. Then he said, "but you can't live with a suitcase forever." At that moment, my reaction was , no i didn't live with a suitcase and my room in Beijing was the most comfortable room blah blah blah. Then today, on my way to the dentist in Brooklyn, I was thinking about what he said. I've been practically moving nonstop for the past 5 years. First from Hong Kong to NY, then several times within Brooklyn and Manhattan, then NY to MD, moving even more in between semesters, then MD to Beijing, just got back from Beijing to NYC, and then very soon later, NYC to HK.  Yes, I know it's only between two countries essentially, and I already don't have to deal with all the cultural shocks since I've pretty much native to both cultures, still it was always new manners and customs and pop culture to get used to. As a result, people in my life come and go; it's not only because we are physically apart for some time, but it's also because so many of our experiences are different already. Take last year as an example, I've been in Beijing for a year and no one around me would understand what i've really been through; however, I can count on all my frds in Beijing to understand what or even why i'm talking about. Yet, they wouldn't understand how I was brought up in NYC inner city (the inner city part is an exaggeration; i'm just trying to make a point) as an immigrant. Even though I  may share my NY/MD experience peeps here, they would also never understand why I'm doing some things that I do; however, anyone in HK would know what or why.
You see, being myself means a lot of things. My life is essentially shaped by different influences. I never felt Chinese until I arrived in beijing, but americans called me american, Hong Kong people, on the other hand, look at me funny or are clearly judging me. My friends in Beijing always laugh at me for flipflopping on my identity and my allegiance; the thing is, that is the reality.
I guess that's why the idea of spending the rest of your life with one person is so tempting. You can just share EVERYTHING you to that one person. It's like taking the train from the beginning to the end with one person A, instead of having to explain to the new-comer B all the scenary he has missed; person A would definitely know what you are talking about, instead of B learning or just nodding through your stories.
When I was sharing my career goal of working and traveling at the same time, he or she (i forgot who told me) that she knows somebody who was working for some IGOs, and had to relocate every 2 years. She is 40 and is still unmarried (wonder if she changing bfs every 2 years lol) and is deeply regretting the lifestyle she is living. Would i be like her? Do I want to be like her, with tons of worldly experiences and has seen the world by its entirety, but must endure solidarity at an age when the societal expecatations suggest otherwise?
It's already difficult for me to meet anyone romantically, or even just to make friends (all my frds can agree on one thing about me, that I'm NOT a people person), it's really one thing or the other.
Then I was also judging whether I'm REALLY a on-the-go kinda of gal. I have always despised or doubted when someone said "Oh, I get bored easily", as if that is a cool thing to say and to be categorized as. To me, it just means that either you are A.D.D. or you are just not trying hard enough to do one thing. So initially, when I concluded that i am easily sick of one place and the same people (honestly, I was a bit relieved that I got to leave DC for a while, no matter how much i loved that city), I began second-doubting myself whether that was just a romanticized, almost hackneyed thing for me to say. Do I really like leaving one place to go to another, knowing that every departure is an end to something, or a relationship, or relationships?  No. I was SAD leaving from Hong Kong to Beijing, seeing my dad's seemingly stoid face. I was sad when I was about to leave from my last piano lesson to this little girl, she ran to the kitchen and gave me a bottle of water. I could probably buy a bottle of water myself, heck, even two, but the gesture of her sending me away with what she could get at the age of 5 is, until today, extremely touching to me. I would've cried if my tears could come out any more easily. Moving from places to places, the funnest part is the arriving part, and what strikes me the hardest, is the leaving part.
See, that's the thing - how can I arrive without leaving? And leaving was never an easy thing for me to do.
I always thought moving around the world and experience new cultures and lifestyles and getting to know new people of totally different backgrounds are the funnest things to do and I would not mind relocating all my life. Well, for the past 5 years, I've been doing that on a much, much smaller scale, and it turned out no one told you about the sad and gloomy part of it - the meeting, and the loving, and then, evenutally, the departing.
I was telling Vincent that if i knew I'd be so sad when we were all leaving, I might not even want to be emotionally intimate with anyone. He politely disagreed (lol when I said politely, it merely meant he said "I don't think so."). Then I realized, what I said was very cowardly and un-exciting.
So I guess I should really figure out what I want to do in life, before life hits me in my face.

My mouth is still numb from the dentist. I really don't understand why anesthesia was necessary for fixing a cavity. See, this is what I'm talking about, New Yorkers are weird. I want to eat!
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photo by: missandrea81