Salvador Dali Days

Hartford City Travel Blog

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Since coming back to Indiana, i have not been able to sleep for longer than four hours.  And those four hours are only possible with a combination of sleeping pills and Calm's Forte.  I do not know the cause of my inability to sleep.  It could be the stress of knowing this short period of time that I am home will be the last time I see my father alive.  It could be a bad case of jetlag.  It could be this total feeling of surrealism that I cannot believe that I am here in this moment -- that I will wake up back in Nakhchivan.  It could be that deep down inside I know that I need to be awake to support the rest of my family.  I guess it could always be that the next farm down the road has roosters who practically scream every morning when the Sun rises.  It is probably a combination of all those factors along with several others.

My brain has started to play tricks on me.  Over the past 8-9 days (anymore, i cannot keep track of the days), i have gotten a total of around 24 hours of sleep.  There are times I see things that are not there or think something is moving when it is not.  Colors are more vivid and my fascination with common things likes trees and the space between leafs seems to come on constantly.  I wonder if this is how ADHD feels.  I have gotten to be a little more quiet than usual.  But still I am trying to do everything that i can do.

In the mornings, by the time I awake, my mother is usually gone to the hospital.  I am trying to be a good son and doing things around the house that she just does not have the time to do or were things that my dad use to take care of.  By late morning, I go and run any errands that mom needs, and by the late afternoon i am in the hospital to visit my father.  The doctors have him very drugged up and their goal is to keep comfortable until he dies.  I consider how it feels to be waiting to die.  What goes through one's mind to know that this idea of endless tomorrow is merely a farce that the one thing that we all can say we will do in our lifetime is just around the corner?  He recognizes me but at the same time he does not know what is going on around him.  It must be a combination of the cancer, the pain and the medicaton to help relieve it. 

A few days ago, a doctor told him how little he had to live, which I considered to be mistake.  Doctors have been wrong before and might wrong again. Dad freaked out over the news.  My mother decided to not tell him that chances were slim that he would live because she did not want him to give up hope.  But i think he knew he was dying, the words from the doctor just confirmed his own suspicions.  And no matter how much we all want to face death bravely and how much we realize that we can die at anytime, knowing it is coming soon has to be a shock.  Everyone cried except for me.  I am almost shocked at how calm i am through all of this myself.  When everyone cried, i was the one yelling at my dad to quit being a wimp and that if he was going to beat this thing he had to have his mind right.  He told me the same thing when I was close to death myself after military doctors misdiagnosed a medical problem for six months.   But i am merely playing a role of the rock of the family.  I did the same thing when my yonger sister was killed in a car accident about 15 years ago.  The fact of the matter is I am probably weaker than the rest of them, but I just cannot show it.  Because if I, the risk-taking, thrill-seeking adventurer of the family, lose it, if I, the former paratrooper and first American to ever live in Nakhchivan, starts crying, then everyone of them, every single member of the family would have confirmation that there was no hope.  No matter how badly things seem and no matter how dark our present situations may be, we always try to find soemthing to find hope within.  If i break, the rest of the family will too.  I just cannot let that happen.  If anyone ever asked me, i would tell them that it takes a lot more strength to let your true feelings show.

I leave the hospital around 2-3 in the morning.  it is about a 30 minute drive to get back home.  The sheer quietness of the evenings and blanket of stars which surround me is the one time everything seems somewhat normal even with my lack of sleep.
mickeyd302 says:
I should make sure to tell everyone that this entry actually happened last year. I will make sure to preface the other entries that go along with this time of my life to avoid confusion. I just have not been ready to expose this time of my life to the rest of the world until recently.
Posted on: Apr 15, 2008
tvillingmarit says:
And thanks for having the courage to share your thoughts with us.
Posted on: Apr 14, 2008
tvillingmarit says:
It seems to me you are a good son. Sit by your fathers side and tell him how much you love him, I know he will hear you. You will be in my prayers. Love from Norway
Posted on: Apr 14, 2008
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photo by: mickeyd302