The 'Tracy' Diaries Part 12

EEk!

Let’s talk about jealousy and what we call ‘love’!

 "Chill woman!" There will probably always be partners who are jealous of their other-half’s friendship with someone either over the internet, or even in their community, I know, I used to be such a person!

[ So here are a few words of reassurance for any lady who thinks it possible that I could be a threat to themselves. If I am a friend of your partner, that is all I am, nothing more. It might help for you to know a little about me…

I am one half of the TNT travelling duo. A 36year old, shaven headed nun, dressed in plain white robes, wearing no make up or perfume, having regularly scratched mosquito bites, and holes in my socks. I do not even an anti-ageing cream to keep me from wrinkles! I am mistaken for a young lad on the public transport in England and I am on a spiritual path to seek something special within, which is why I am not ‘fussy’ with my looks or material possessions. I also like to keep in touch with my ‘friends’ since the age of three.

Surely, this is not the usual attractiveness sought after by the modern ‘Western’ man? I do not want to change anyone nor make them ‘mine’. Now, you really ought not to be jealous nor worried!

[ As for you guys! As all that know me, my crazy days and nights are over, I am married, my intentions good but I am still a friend and will continue to care and wish you much love, happiness and good health. I guess I am still a little crazy in my mind! Are people like this allowed out on the streets? Maybe these white robes should be a straight-jacket! lol

� In one relationship, I recall my then partner noticing I was not happy with his socialising or communication other girlfriends (some previous partners, some platonic friends). So he asked if I wished him to stop and of course I said ‘yes’, wanting to be the only one. Little did I know I was a control-freak! L

K However, the effects drove the man further away. I was trying to control him. How ignorant of me! I paid the price of jealousy. I have given up trying to control people; it’s really not a nice thing to be doing, especially becoming a manipulative woman. EEK!

� Now things are different. I realise we cannot and should not stop anyone from seeing whomever they wish. We should stop trying to ‘control’ our partners. However, this doesn’t mean we should necessarily stay with them!

Z Fair is Fair, afterall a woman can have her man friends, so why will she not tolerate her

man having woman friends? Come on ladies!

B We may not agree with a friendship of others, nor like it and that is the beauty of being strong enough individually, mentally. To say something like , ‘ I don’t want you to change for me, afterall I fell for you the way you are! I don’t want to make changes to you, to make you a Mr/s Perfect, no one is perfect! So if there is a problem that I have with you, it is my problem not yours (a problem in the way that I am thinking), so I need to work it out.’ (I believe Meditation on Equanimity and Loving Kindness is good for this, it helps ones mind to love all equally.) (Equally, getting to know more about the focus of jealousy will often dissipate the negative feelings. Knowledge about it rather than conjuring thoughts will dispel the negativity.)

L We have to be careful not to let our irrational mind (where jealousy stems from) get the better of us! This is why it benefits to analyse what is behind the negative behaviour, what is our motive?

Some couples split (especially if there is blatant infidelity) some stick together, learning patience and tolerance as well.

ÿ "If you love someone, set them free" was one of the best lines I heard yet.

A small observation of love , with large consequences:

• Love can be one of two things. A mixture of intense emotions (of which is not love) or a deep sense of caring for another (of which is love).
• Do not mistake ‘love’ as passion for, desire for, wanting, craving or clinging for , besotted by, lust for, someone. These initial feelings for someone are not love at all, they are simply the words they are above. When we are in a head spin about someone, it is often that these many feelings are so abundant, the person is all we can think about an d we are therefore ‘blinded’ by our infatuation about them, that we don’t see their faults until later, when they gradually appear to our reality. The initial whirlwind of emotions brought about by the passion, desire and sexual hormones are usually very brief, hence the phrase the ‘honeymoon period’. Then things calm down and we start to see more clearly instead of clouded by a heady illusion. We start to see the other person’s faults. Things start to change, naturally, as relationships do, and nature does not glue two people together for a lifetime, so why should we force this upon ourselves?
• I guess this is why some people do not wish to be married; they can see the impermanence of relationships.
• Love is caring for, worrying about, compassion for someone. This can last a lifetime. Love can be given to many people, like the first candle lighting many others, without reducing the quality of the initial or others light. So the love for many people can be equal, hence, equanimity for all alike.

Need to get something for the throat now. Hasn’t shown any signs of clearing. It started on Saturday evening; it has now been five nights. The snivelling nose and slight headache have been extras over the past two nights.

If I were in England, I would have headed for the lemon drink with paracetamol by now. But I am not in England, and the paracetamol is not in a cabinet nearby. I would have to go to one of these walk in drug box store thingies. I have walked past a few here in McLeod. A tiny shop, wall to wall • floor to ceiling filled with something for everything. If I’m afraid of buying anything and wasting my money, it’s a placebo.

I am also aware of counterfeit prescription drugs that are made here in India for a fraction of the cost of the real thing, for a much bigger profit. I believe they have also been shipped to the UK (UK documentary before I left the UK). Maybe I should just stick to the hot water, lemon, ginger and honey made up by myself, and buy some paracetamol for the headache. The old shoulders are aching. I guess I should drink more water for a start! This suffering body!