The Vine a divine hotel

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Average rate: $99 - Hotel class: 5 stars
Rua dos aranhas 27 a, Funchal, Portugal

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The Vine a divine hotel Funchal Reviews

anastasiaig anastasi…
4 reviews
So Disappointed Oct 31, 2012
Instead of searching Funchal again for the lady who did amazing reflexology for me out of a shop front my first week, I decided on my 2nd to last day to treat myself to a few treatments at a spa to reduce some neck pain from a bad hotel bed, and foot pain from extreme amounts of walking/hiking. I wish I'd sought out the reflexology lady.

First of all, what I asked for on the phone was confusing to the receptionist because apparently the website doesn't match their current prices/time limits/treatments. Secondly, when I arrived the hyperactive overly bouncy receptionist (who had to book treatments by hand in triplicate in multiple paper schedules?!) was just...I wanted to say, calm down, lady. Just...breathe...chill. She was so nice but too too flustered.

I scheduled a 30 minute upper body massage for 50 euros (it ended up being 65?!), a 20 minute scalp massage for 45 euros (ended up being 50?) and a 60 minute Spa Foot Ritual for 50 euros (that ended up being either 75 minutes + more money..or 75 euros...I can't remember which) Either way it was completely different from the website. I'm basing this off my memory of reading the menu of treatments after I arrived and being shocked at the discrepancy.

Anyway, the facility is nice albeit very compact. The robes (like many spas) were JUST small enough to expose everything from the crotch down unless standing straight up. More than one employee found it mockingly amusing that I wanted to cover my lap with a towel when sitting, which bothered me. (fyi spa employees: It's the customers comfort that's relevant, in a spa, not yours) Also I found it shocking to be told to undress and lie down by a therapist who stood and watched me instead of making even a token effort to turn aside or leave the room. I'm not prude, I like being naked, but on my own terms. (Spa employees: err on the side of customer modesty, and go from there based on our signals).

I've never been to a spa where every therapist was considered an expert at every treatment and could do them all. I was quite surprised to have the same therapist for all 3 treatments (frankly I hoped for a change after the first).

That being said, the therapist I was scheduled with was lovely, sweet and well meaning. Some day when she's able to specialize, she will make one amazing aesthetician, as her touch was delicate. Unfortunately her touch was delicate to a fault in the area of massage. I'm accustomed to therapeutic massage and/or unskilled swedish, and either way the force used at the vine was 1/20th of the lightest massage I've ever had. It was essentially stroking of oil over the skin. Keep in mind I have a LOW threshold for pain, and don't like rough massage. But the very few times she STARTED to exert the beginnings of what could be comfortable pressure it lasted seconds and then stopped. Halfway through I was wishing I hadn't wasted money at this spa.

The scalp massage was essentially the same and amounted to having my hair stroked for 20 minutes. I am not kidding. There was a teeny tiny bit of forehead pressure, and temple rubbing (like, 10 seconds 3 times) and then....hair stroke. Not a good, comfortable, scalp massage (which can be heaven if done even partially well).

The Spa Foot Ritual was the worst. What a waste of money. I thought it was a decent scrub and rub, with maybe a moisture mask followed by a pedi, all of which can be done easily in 60-75 minutes. I was taken to a room to sit upright in an arm chair, while the poor therapist had to crouch/stoop on a stool bending and lifting bowls of water from the floor and holding the weight of my not inconsiderably heavy legs. I was uncomfortable, and her back had to have been killing her. When the treatment STARTED with nail filing, I just knew that my hour+ "foot ritual" was going to be a very expensive and very basic pedicure, only. There was zero(discernible)massage, a salt scrub and then a moisture mask and hot towel wrap while the other foot was worked on. Sadly, it didn't even feel good. It felt like work, on my part.

I don't like this to sound like an indictment of the therapist, because I truly enjoyed her personally, but NO SPA should dare to charge these kinds of prices and send customers in with a single therapist for multiple treatments without vetting the therapists touch/work and the quality of the treatments strictly for standards. This therapist is an asset to the spa, but not as a massage therapist (at least not without further training), and not without significant reworking of the content of the treatment menu and expectations for each treatment.

I'm so disappointed at the money I threw away for what amounted to nice conversation, and prettily painted toes...that's it. No other benefit, and big loss of cash.
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The Vine a divine hotel Overview

This hotel in Funchal, the Vine Hotel Funchal, is located in Madeira in the city's historical center. While staying on property, guests will be in walking distance of the shopping areas, gardens, restaurants and pubs in town. There are also nearby greens for those looking to golf. The Vine Hotel Funchal is located just a short 20 kilometer drive from the Madeira International Airport at which hotel transport is available. For travel throughout their stay at the hotel, guests may use the city transit system.

The 79 rooms and suites offered at the Vine Hotel Funchal are simply decorated with the guests comfort in mind. All rooms offer Egyptian cotton bed linens, LCD televisions, complimentary wireless Internet, mini-bars, in-house movies, a desk, hair dryer and air conditioning.

The Vine Hotel Funchal is a 5-star luxury hotel that boasts its cutting edge design and decorum. Guests staying here will have the options of enjoying many of the hotels amenities that include 24-hour room service, laundry/dry cleaning service, in-house restaurant and bars, indoor pool, a Jacuzzi and fitness facilities.

The Vine a divine hotel Amenities

  • Business Center
  • Room Service
  • High-speed Internet
  • Fitness Room/Gym
  • Restaurant
  • Parking
  • Swimming pool
  • Airport shuttle
  • Disabled Access
  • Concierge
  • Valet Parking
  • Tour Desk
  • Massage / Beauty Centre
  • Bar / Lounge
  • Elevator / Lift
  • 24 Hour Reception
  • Dry Cleaning
  • Babysitting / Child Services
  • Air Conditioned
  • Non-Smoking Rooms
  • Tennis Courts
  • Golf Course
  • Housekeeping
  • Banquet Facilities
  • Conference Room(s)
  • Currency Exchange
  • Medical Assistance Available
  • Multilingual Staff
  • Safe-Deposit Box
  • Sauna
  • Security Guard
  • News Stand
  • ATM / Cash Machine
  • Mini Bar
  • Refrigerator
  • Cable / Satellite TV
  • Secretarial Service
  • In Room Movies
  • Bath / Hot Tub
  • Porters
  • Wake-up Service
  • Meeting Rooms
  • Hair Dryer
  • TV
  • DVD Player
  • Laundry service
  • Spa bath / Jacuzzi
  • Bicycle Rental
  • Shops
  • Excursions
  • Garden
  • Nightclubs
  • Laptop
  • Desk
  • Direct dial phone
  • Facsimile
  • Audio/Visual Equipment
  • Full-service catering
  • Exhibit Space
  • Disabled Parking
  • Salon
  • Fitness Facilities
  • Jacuzzi
  • Steam Room
  • Massage
  • Spa & Wellness Centre
  • Steam Bath
  • Beauty Salon
  • Health Centre
  • Internet Connection (wireless)
  • Bathrobes
  • Towels
  • Shower
  • En suite
  • Private Bathroom
  • Bathtub/Shower Combination
  • Bidet
  • Spa/Jetted Tub
  • Pool Outdoor
  • Cots
  • Games Available
  • Poolside Bar
  • Shops in Hotel
  • Souvenirs/Gift Shop
  • Express Check-In/Check-Out
  • Shoe Shine
  • Free Parking
  • Bedding/Pillow Choices

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Funchal
photo by: Aprile