Surviving the Baku Metro

While the Metro is by far the cheapest form of transportation in Baku, some people are in a big hurry to get on when other people are trying to get off. This sometimes creates an explosion of bodies hurled against each other in the frantic rush of trying to board and depart as quickly as possible. You may have been in some insane mosh pits during metal and punk shows, you may been a champion cage fighter and you may have been in the Running of the Bulls, but you have never experienced the shear hysteric and frenzied terror of an Azeri man trying to get on the Metro as soon as the doors open. I just shudder thinking about it. So I have come up with a small survival guide in trying to get off the Baku Metro for my fair readers, so that you can save yourself if you should ever venture where angels and mercenaries fear to tread.

Screaming

This is probably the least offensive approach as it will only rupture eardrums if done correctly and will not require you actually touching the other person. I usually prefer a war cry, something along the lines of “BBBBBBBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!” while doing some weird sounds with my throat. It also helps if you have a crazy look in your eyes like you are a guy who actually wears shorts in the summer (strictly taboo here). Another approach is to scream something that is terrifying in any language like “William Hung!” or “Celine Dion!” or “George Bush!”

Pros: Easy, anyone with a working voice can do it.
Cons: Possible commitment to a mental ward.

The Swimming Move

This movement requires that you move your arms alternating between people trying to get on, so you slice in between the crazed on-comers. As an added bonus you can kick just like an actual swimmer!

Pros: Usually quick and avoids confrontations
Cons: You will look really stupid doing it; also as Azeris have the tendency to lock arms with friends this movement will not work on the interlocked groups.

The Two-Hand Shiver

To do this movement, you have to bend at the knees and hips, have your elbows in towards your sides and palms facing the on-comer with fingers vertical. When the doors open thrust your hands into the chest of the on-comer, roll your hips and start chopping your feet and drive the on-comer back. The key is to be in the middle of the movement when you hands make contact with the on-comer, that way your upper body strength along with your rolling hip motion should overpower the on-comer. If you extend too far too soon, this will allow for the on-comer to drive you back and the same goes if you keep your hands too close to your body during initial contact.

Pros: Extremely effective.
Cons: Timing; it take some practice to get good.
Getting kicked in the crotch by women when they are the first one through the door. Women here do not like a strange American man thrusting his hands into their chest. Shocking, I know!

Bull Rush

Lower your shoulders, put your head down and keep your arms in and rush for the door as soon as it opens.

Pros: Simple and Effective
Cons: Short people doing the same movement can really nail you.

The Karate Kid

Stand, perched on one leg with arms up. As soon as the doors open, kick the first person who enters in their face. You can use the railings of the Metro to help assist you in propelling yourself upward for this movement.

Pros: Looks really badass.
Cons: Takes a lot of practice.
Expensive. Chances are the police will arrest you unless you have enough money to bribe them. If you do then they will arrest the other guy for getting in the way of your foot.

Using a Blocker

If there is someone in front of you, just shove him towards the on-comers. This will knock the on-comers back and give you a small pocket of space to get out. Several people have used me as involuntary blocker several times.

Pros: you get out fast.
Cons: Geesh, the guy in front of you is trying to get off the Metro just like you. He is not being a butthead rushing on before anyone can get off. Cut the guy some slack.

Combo Platter

Your best bet is to use a combination of the moves. For example, scream, karate kid with the bull rush will not only confuse the on-comer, but could possibly, if done artistically, rival that of the choreography of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. As one rides the Metro more, one’s mind goes from merely getting off of it to getting off of it with style.

A Guide for Getting On the Baku Metro

Wait for the people trying to get off it to get off it first. Duh!